Wrestling with Restlessness

This will go down in the books as one of the worst cases of island fever ever.  It's been over four months since I've left the island and one year and four months since I've left the state.  I just worked away six hours of my Saturday and, with that, hopes for a quick getaway to Maui for the long weekend.  While I am in no way complaining about my job because I love what I do, I've been wrestling with Restlessness for the past few months.  I get these bouts of Restlessness every so often, but this is the first time that I've been unable to shake it for so long.  In the past, I've quit my job to spend a few months in China or moved to Seattle to get a master's degree.  Now it's beginning to seem just downright irresponsible to up and leave with the onset of Restlessness.  These days, I've been trying to stay put, wondering instead whether the Restlessness is from something within me that is unfulfilled or unsatisfied.

I find that I start many sentences with "I want to," and usually express a desire to either be doing something other than what I'm doing at the moment or to be somewhere other than where I am at the moment.  In fact, I use that phrase so often that sometimes I don't even notice how unsatisfied and unhappy I may sound to others.  I suppose I always reasoned that my ambitious and adventurous nature justified my frequent use of this phrase, but now I'm beginning to think that this behavior and my struggle with Restlessness may be linked.

I've been reading a book by Elizabeth Gilbert called "Eat, Pray, Love" which details the author's travels to learn more about herself and how to examine three aspects of herself in three countries where people specialize in those particular aspects -- Italy for pleasure, India for spiritual devotion, and Indonesia for balance of pleasure and devotion.  Right now, Elizabeth is in India, describing her challenge of calming her thoughts to meditate and achieve relaxation and deeper spiritual experiences.  The way she describes meditation, through the recitation of mantras, reminds me of what I do when I run.  My brain fixates on one particular phrase and repeats it over and over to the rhythm of my steps.  Sometimes I think about things I'm struggling with, reflect on myself and others, and pray.  Most of the time, though, I don't think about anything in particular.  I'm in another state, where all I am focused on are the few steps before me, I feel and enjoy the wind rushing past me, and I experience the stinging pain of sweat dripping into my eyes.  I am "in the moment," as the phrase goes, and I desire nothing more and nothing less.  Of course there are times when I would rather be several miles farther along in the run, but this is almost always during races.  For the most part, I am completely satisfied to be exactly where I am, when I am, and who I am when I run.  As I read about Elizabeth's challenges with meditation, it occurred to me that the balance of pleasure and spiritual devotion that I get from running gives me that very balance that Elizabeth seems to be ultimately seeking.  If I could somehow simulate that state I'm in while running even when I'm not running, perhaps I could emerge victorious from this drawn-out duel with Restlessness.

The thought occurred to me that like so many other things I've encountered along my spiritual journey, maybe this is another battle that must be won counterintuitively -- by surrendering and submitting to Restlessness rather than struggling to overcome it.  Like quicksand, struggling and clawing to get out only pulls you down more quickly.  Sometimes, rest is the hardest thing for me to find; my mind and body grow tired and succumb to weariness relatively easily, but my spirit and heart continually churn waves that swell and surge within.