Goodbye, Grandma.
Yesterday, I lost my last grandparent. She was also the one I was closest to for most of my life. My Grandma fought hard at the end to make it, but her little heart just couldn't take it anymore. I was vacationing on Maui when she passed but had spent some time with her before I left. I'm glad I did, but I still wish I could've been there for her at the end. Mom says she was afraid to die, and that breaks my heart. I will always remember her laughter and gratitude. I still hear her voice saying all kinds of things to me. She was so proud of me, and I was so happy to make her proud.
The sadness has been coming in waves. I realized that the thing I miss the most is having my old family back. All through high school, the six of us lived in the same house as a family -- Grandpa, Grandma, Mom, Dad, my sister, and me. I also had Grandpa, Grandma, and Uncle, whom we'd visit on occasion. Our family wasn't perfect, but I always felt so safe and loved. I didn't realize then that soon it would never be that way ever again. One by one, they've moved out or moved on, and now I feel like I've lost my home. My husband says at least our family's growing too, him being the most recent addition. Of course I love that too, but it's just not the same. I don't know how to stop wanting something that doesn't exist anymore.
I wish I could still communicate with my grandparents and Dad. I wish I could tell them how much I love them and everything that's gone on and listen to everything they've been experiencing. Will I ever get to talk to them again? I can't imagine all this love just vanishing to nothing. I know what I was taught to believe, but my heart doesn't allow me to think that there's any barrier love cannot cross.
As time has passed, I noticed I've become more and more like them -- enjoying gardening, food, fishing, traveling, learning, family, and laughing. It was such a blessing to have had four loving grandparents. Each gave me the best of themselves, and I suppose all I can do is carry that forward and share it. I love you all always and miss you all the time.
The sadness has been coming in waves. I realized that the thing I miss the most is having my old family back. All through high school, the six of us lived in the same house as a family -- Grandpa, Grandma, Mom, Dad, my sister, and me. I also had Grandpa, Grandma, and Uncle, whom we'd visit on occasion. Our family wasn't perfect, but I always felt so safe and loved. I didn't realize then that soon it would never be that way ever again. One by one, they've moved out or moved on, and now I feel like I've lost my home. My husband says at least our family's growing too, him being the most recent addition. Of course I love that too, but it's just not the same. I don't know how to stop wanting something that doesn't exist anymore.
I wish I could still communicate with my grandparents and Dad. I wish I could tell them how much I love them and everything that's gone on and listen to everything they've been experiencing. Will I ever get to talk to them again? I can't imagine all this love just vanishing to nothing. I know what I was taught to believe, but my heart doesn't allow me to think that there's any barrier love cannot cross.
As time has passed, I noticed I've become more and more like them -- enjoying gardening, food, fishing, traveling, learning, family, and laughing. It was such a blessing to have had four loving grandparents. Each gave me the best of themselves, and I suppose all I can do is carry that forward and share it. I love you all always and miss you all the time.
Comments
Post a Comment